[syndicated profile] tinybuddha_blog_feed

Posted by Maureen Cooper

“Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” ~Leonard Cohen

We human beings are social creatures. For the most part, we like to be with people, and we want people to like to be with us. The trouble is that we get all tied up in trying to communicate a version of ourselves that we think people will find attractive.

We want to appear successful, interesting, in control—and a winner! To keep up this image we work hard to hide away the parts of ourselves that we are not sure about, or we feel don’t work so well. The last thing we want to do is appear weak, or somehow insufficient. So, we go for projecting some kind of perfect version of ourselves that will ensure that we are loved and wanted.

The truth is that it’s impossible to keep this act together. Inevitably a moment comes when something gets to us so strongly that we can’t pretend any longer. We appear as we actually are—flawed, brave, struggling, and absolutely human.

This is the moment when we can experience vulnerability as a superpower. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are not pretending, we are not hiding—we are simply present with whatever is going on inside us. Ironically, it is this very feeling of authenticity that draws people to us, not the brittle effort of perfectionism.

Zero Tolerance for Vulnerability

For many of us our upbringing did not teach us how to be vulnerable; we’ve had to learn as we’ve faced the challenges life’s put in our way.

My mother was an Ulster Protestant from a large, working class family with no patience for emotional frills. Her family was loving but tough, and she brought me up in the same way. I was her first child—emotional, sensitive, curious—and had to bear the brunt of everything she missed about Ireland when she decided to marry an Englishman and settle in London.

From my early years I can remember my mother urging me to hide my feelings from other people and never, ever to let them see when I was hurting, or in pain. She warned me that if I did, then I would be seen as showing weakness, and then I would be fair game to be taken advantage of, and ultimately, made a fool of.

She was my mother, and she was trying to protect me by instilling in me the values she herself had grown up with. It took me years—and sometimes I still fall back—to realize that the voice in my head urging me not to make a fool of myself, to keep my distance, was my childhood internalization of my mother’s fears.

The idea of finding strength in allowing myself to be vulnerable was a remote flicker on the edge of my consciousness.

Shame as Vulnerability’s Implacable Enemy

Brené Brown is a leading researcher into shame and vulnerability. She defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Kristen Neff, well-known self-compassion researcher, tells us that shame was the evolutionary way of hiding our defects from others so that they would include us in the group. Being kicked out of the tribe meant certain death.

For shame to exist it needs secrecy, silence, and a sense of judgment. It’s very hard to for us to speak out about the things we are ashamed of. So, when we make a mistake, it’s more automatic to try and cover it up or blame someone else than to admit that we got something wrong—because then we’d be showing that we are vulnerable.

My Own Story of Shame and Vulnerability

There came a moment in my life when it became clear that I was unable to have children. I had always wanted a large family, and the idea of having no children at all was devastating.

Of course, there was a tremendous grief to deal with, but what took me unawares was the intense feeling of shame. My younger sisters were starting families, as were several of my friends, and I felt excluded from an important female rite of passage. My parents’ disappointment was palpable—never mind that other areas of my life were going well, I was not going to be a mother.

I remember how drawn I was to babies and young children, viewing them as if from the other side of a huge divide. One awful day I found myself walking around the baby department of a large department store, looking at all the tiny outfits and toys. I realized how nervous I was, guiltily looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching me.

There was a voice in my head that saying, “You are not a proper woman. Don’t hang around in here, they will be on to you and throw you out. You have no right to be here!”

It was so insidious that I left the store.

Instead of caring for my sorrow and accepting my feelings of vulnerability, I felt inadequate and ashamed. It seemed I was the worst person in the planet, someone who had no right to even think of being a mother. Eventually I was fortunate enough to find an excellent counselor at a woman’s center who helped me work it through and accept my situation without shame.

Recognizing Another Person’s Vulnerability Helps You Accept Your Own

I remember feeling so ashamed of not being able to have children that I forgot all the other people who discover that they are infertile for one reason or another. My feeling was that I was the lowest of the low and that nobody could be as pathetic as I was. Many years later, while having radiotherapy treatment, a very different perspective opened up for me.

Anyone who has had cancer and undergone a period of radiotherapy knows that it involves a daily visit to the hospital, five days a week, for a number of weeks. You show up to the same place every day and meet the same hospital staff—you become a regular.

The thing you don’t tend to think about so much is that just as you are turning up every day, so are a whole bunch of other people. You get to recognize some of them, you maybe even get to talk a bit. Most of the time people come with a partner, a family member, or a friend.

You can always tell which person is sick—they have an air of vulnerability about them. You can see their friend doing their best to care for them. There was a deep sense of care and even love in the waiting area.

I remember an elderly woman who had obviously already been through chemotherapy. She was wearing a wig, but it did not fit so well. I saw her husband gently straighten it on her head with such tenderness. It brought home to me that vulnerability is part of the human condition.

We all have to face stuff that challenges us and frightens us. No one is immune to suffering and pain. As human beings we are all in the same boat, doing our best to navigate our way through whatever life puts in our way.

Seeing other people as vulnerable helped me to accept my own vulnerability. Allowing myself to be vulnerable was a tremendous relief, a starting place for some kind of self-awareness.

Observing all these people facing their fears and anxieties with patience, and quiet dignity, brought home to me that it’s when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable that we can find our deepest courage and strength.

The Japanese art of Kintsugi

I came across this art form almost by accident. Broken pottery is mended with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Instead of trying to mend the pieces invisibly, hiding the fact that they were ever broken, the cracks are transformed into decorations. The pieces become more valuable because of their flaws.

For me, this is the perfect symbol of vulnerability as a superpower. We move from trying to hide it, to accepting that it is there and arrive at a place where we can transform the lessons we have learned into wisdom and understanding.

About Maureen Cooper

Maureen Cooper runs Awareness in Action, and offers workshops, online courses and coaching on integrating meditation and kindness into all aspects of everyday life. If you enjoyed this article check out her online course on self-compassion, How to Be a Good Friend to Yourself . You can follow Maureen on Twitter & Facebook.

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How to Make Vulnerability Your New Superpower appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

Comic for April 25, 2019

Apr. 25th, 2019 11:59 pm
[syndicated profile] dilbert_feed
Dilbert readers - Please visit Dilbert.com to read this feature. Due to changes with our feeds, we are now making this RSS feed a link to Dilbert.com.
silveradept: The emblem of the Heartless, a heart with an X of thorns and a fleur-de-lis at the bottom instead of the normal point. (Heartless)
[personal profile] silveradept
The Magicians had a fourth season finale a little while ago. You can still see the fires burning over in that corner of fandom, and for good reason. I'm going to be linking to pieces written about the finale that do a far better job of summarizing what happened and what went terribly wrong with that idea. Those pieces, and my summaries and commentaries of them, have content warnings for suicidal ideation, completed suicide, and mental illness at the very least, so this may be something to avoid if you have seen enough, or you do not want to engage. The rest of this post is going under cut.

The Fourth Season Finale of The Magicians, and why we could have seen it coming, thanks to Joss Whedon. )

Today was beautiful

Apr. 30th, 2019 11:42 pm
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Just lovely!

But I probably should not have celebrated the arrival of good weather by going to the bookstore....

****


Read more... )

language practice returns

Apr. 24th, 2019 10:59 pm
yhlee: wax seal (Default)
[personal profile] yhlee
Mainly because I have been sick since this morning. I hope tomorrow I will be able to handle solid food; I have been on liquids.

Joe and I have this concept of "lowest energy state." It's the thing that you can do mindlessly to soothe yourself when you're too tired/sick/whatever to do anything else. For Joe, it's either watching anime or playing computer games. For me, right now, it's doing basic origami or language practice. I did a lot of Duolingo Welsh/French/German/Korean today...

Corrections/comments welcome, as always. Cockamamie "translations" of what I was trying to say available on request.

Cymraeg, in the form of a dialogue between Jedao and Cheris:

- Jedao: Sut mae, Cheris! Dych chi'n prynu gŵydd? Dw i'n caru'r gŵydd.
- Cheris: Sut mae, Jedao! Sut dych chi?
- Jedao: Dw i wedi blino ar hyn o bryd. A chi?
- Cheris: Dw i wedi blino hefyd, i fod yn onest. Dw i ddim yn eisiau prynu gŵydd. Dw i eisiau prynu llwynog.
- Jedao: Llwynog dw i! Pryd dych chi'n eisiau fwyta yn y swyddfa? Dych chi eisiau cawl heddiw?
- Cheris: Nac ydw. Dw i eisiau bwyta siocled neu tangerine.
- Jedao: Dw i'n mynd i yfed cwrw neu wisgi. Dych chi'n mynd i'r gwaith?
- Cheris: Ydw. Athro dych chi?
- Jedao: Ydw. Athrawes dych chi?
- Cheris: Ydw. Amser i fynd. Neis i weld chi. Hwyl!
- Jedao: Hwyl! Gwela i chi fory.

Français, in the form of a dialogue between Jedao and Cheris:

- Jedao: Bonjour, Cheris! Comment ça va?
- Cheris: Je vais bien. Et vous?
- Jedao: Comme ci, comme ça. Que fais-tu maintenant? Est-ce tu t'amuses?
- Cheris: Peut-être. Je dois conquérir l'univers.
- Jedao: Hein! Moi aussi. Peut-être nous pouvons travailler ensemble?
- Cheris: Mais je ne vous fais pas confiance. Vous êtes un goupil!
- Jedao: Les goupils sont complètement digne de confiance!
- Cheris: ...
- Jedao: Hélàs, maintenant je dois faire les vacances avec mon ami Kujen.
- Cheris: Est-il vraiment ton ami? Avec les amis comme lui, vous n'avez pas besoin des ennemis.

Deutsch, in the form of a dialogue between Jedao and Cheris:

- Jedao: Guten Tag, Cheris! Wie geht's?
- Cheris: Es geht mir gut! Was essen wir heute?
- Jedao: Keine Ahnung. Ich esse nicht, weil ich tot bin. Erinnerst du dich nicht?
- Cheris: Ja, ich erinnere mich nun. Ich hoffe, dass wir Schokolade essen können.
- Jedao: Ich mag Schokolade nicht.
- Cheris: Können die Geister essen?
- Jedao: ...Nein. Aber wir können denken, dass Schokolade ist schlecht.

한글, in the form of a dialogue between Jedao and Cheris:

- 재다오: 안녕, 채리스! 어떠니?
- 채리스: 안녕하세요, 재다오대군! 오늘 바둑노리 하십니까?
- 재다오: 고양이 사고시퍼.
- 채리스: 무순고양이 원합니까?
- 재다오: 귀여운 고롱고롱하는고양이.
- 채리스: 재가 고양이를 어들껍니다.

(Wow, Jedao is way easier to write in Korean because formal verb endings, what do?)

日本語, in the form of a dialogue between Jedao and Cheris:

- ジェダオ: ようこそ、チェリス!私の家へ?
- チェリス:あなたの家はどこにありますか?
- ジェダオ:星にあります。あなたの友達と会いますか?
- チェリス:私は友達がありません。
- ジェダオ:私たちは友達です!
- チェリス:...
- ジェダオ:レストランで寿司を食べますか?
- チェリス:はい。

(Sorry, I ran out of steam because my vocabulary is terribad.)

...Wow, it's so weird how the formality levels play out in some of these languages. (I didn't attempt to do it in Welsh because I frankly don't know enough of the conjugations yet. I just got introduced to "Sut wyt ti?" as the informal version of "Sut dych chi?/Sut dach chi?")

instagram cross-post

Apr. 25th, 2019 04:15 am
truelove: An adult human female is upside down, hanging from a harness of aerial silks.  One leg is crossed over the silks over her head and the other is wrapped in a silk and being pulled down behind her back and head in a scorpion position. (Default)
[personal profile] truelove
We has a new SHINY rigged at my studio so of course I had to play on it for a few minutes after silks class tonight. #aerialcube #aerialacrobatics #circusarts
http://bit.ly/2GEyLaJ

Soooooo I really am a bit sedentary

Apr. 24th, 2019 03:26 am
conuly: (Default)
[personal profile] conuly
Well, sedentary with long walks because I'd always rather walk than take the bus, but still.

On the one hand, I want to exercise more for general health reasons. I don't want to end up old and find out that immobility has snuck up on me, nor do I want to discover that it's really true that being inactive increases your risk of dementia. (It's all well and good for me to assert that dementia doesn't run in my family, but that only works if I ignore my father's mother. Which I mostly do, but still. Probably I should stop doing that.)

On the other hand, I don't want to exacerbate existing joint issues, which would really suck and probably not help my old age mobility at all, especially not if that's connected to arthritis. In the past month my mother has mentioned off-hand an alarming number of relatives who were severely restricted due to arthritis at rather young ages - and that's only counting the ones who developed it in adulthood! There's at least one cousin of hers or her mother's who was apparently "totally crippled" before puberty. She can preen all she likes about how that gene seems to have skipped her, I see my sister increasingly worried and yet dodging the thought that she might already be developing arthritis. She's not even 40 yet! (She ought to go to a doctor. I think we all know that neither funds nor time is really the reason she hasn't.)

So clearly the thing to do is find some 15 or 20 minute daily exercise routine that's reasonably high intensity but isn't going to screw up my joints, at least, not more than they already are. Preferably something that can be done by somebody with no real coordination - I can't jump rope, I can't ride bikes, every day I nearly trip over my own two feet/my pants/the dogs and break my glasses.

Maybe I should just buy myself an exercise bike. When I don't need to balance, I am very unlikely to fall down. I'm not worried about myself so much as my poor glasses.

Zipf’s Law

Apr. 25th, 2019 12:47 am
[syndicated profile] futilitycloset_feed

Posted by Greg Ross

In natural language, the most frequent word occurs about twice as often as the second most frequent word, three times as often as the third most frequent word, and so on.

In the Brown Corpus, a text collection of a million words, the most frequent word, the, accounts for 7.5% of all word occurrences, and the second most frequent, of, accounts for 3.5%. A mere 135 vocabulary items account for half the corpus, and about half the total vocabulary of about 50,000 words are hapax legomena, words that occur once only.

Similar distributions are found in data throughout the physical and social sciences; the law is named after the American linguist George Kingsley Zipf.

Internet management

Apr. 24th, 2019 05:47 pm
owlmoose: (marvel - peggy hat)
[personal profile] owlmoose
The time of dodging Avengers: Endgame spoilers has begun! I know more people than usual have spoiled themselves for this one, but I am not one of those people -- I'm anti-spoilers in almost all cases, but it's especially true when 1. I've been anticipating a story for a long time and 2. I've worked very hard not to set any expectations for myself. I have guesses, yes, and predictions, but nothing that I'm 100% counting on being true. After what happened to me with Infinity War, I want to go into this one as blank a slate as possible.

I have tickets for a Friday afternoon show, so I'll be taking a brief hiatus from social media, probably starting sometime tomorrow. Including here, even though I imagine you folks will all be good about putting any spoilers behind cuts. I want to avoid seeing even non-spoilery reactions (especially if the reaction is "I hated it"), and going spoiler-free at that level is 100% on me. So see you soon, and I look forward to hearing what all of you say about it in a couple of day.

RL Update

Apr. 24th, 2019 08:38 pm
settiai: (Aragorn -- wizards_pupil)
[personal profile] settiai
Okay, I've at least found a stopgap measure that will help with those vet bills that I mentioned in my last post. My apartment complex just announced that they're now offering the ability to split rent into two payments, one at the beginning of the month and one in the middle of the month, which will at least help a little.

It's not quite robbing Peter to pay Paul, so that's something at least. Almost all of my bills are due at the very beginning of each month, so by only having to pay half my rent at that same time, I'll have a bit more in my checking account for emergencies. Plus I'll have more time to try and work on commissions/sell things/etc. if unexpected situations come up. There is an additional fee that I'll have to pay, but it's worth it to know that I won't have to worry about my checking account becoming overdrawn.

The joy of living paycheck to paycheck: you have to pay extra fees, spending even more money, to stay afloat. Still, I'll definitely take it over having a panic attack because I can't think of how to pay bills.

I have found a rabies clinic where I can get the cats' shots without having to pay for a full exam like their regular vet insists on doing, but it's going to involve a decent-length trip via Lyft so it's still going to be more expensive than I'd planned. Not nearly as bad as it could have been, though, so I'll take it. Although getting up at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning isn't going to be all that fun.
sovay: (Rotwang)
[personal profile] sovay
This morning when I woke was full of sunlight and spring blossom against the sky; now the view out my window is full of slate-blue steel-lighted clouds suggesting either imminent thunderstorm or sorcerous apocalypse, although the forecast tells me it's just going to be cold. The cherry blossoms are doing their impermanence thing and covering a block of our street with small fallen fragile pink petals. I didn't get a picture of them, which is all right.

Yesterday the buses were so terrible that [personal profile] spatch and I just walked to Davis Square so that I could make my doctor's appointment and he could get to work, in between which we had bowls of different kinds of soup (boat noodle, khao soi) at Dakzen. Today I walked to the library to discover that my traditional route of access—a concrete stair up the hill behind the high school—has been blocked off with chain-link and plywood, which with all the GLX going around makes me instantly nervous. I would prefer not to have to feel protective about every single piece of twentieth-century architecture within walking distance of my house, especially since some of it is objectively meh. The library's on the National Register of Historic Places, at least. I am fairly confident Eleanor Farjeon's The Glass Slipper (1955) is a novelized play like The Silver Curlew (1953); it has the same feel of translated pantomime, although I liked the other, sillier, more numinous story better. Samuel Fuller's Brainquake (2014) was gonzo and now I really want to read The Dark Page (1944).

I have been sleeping very badly for weeks, but last night I zonked out at something halfway resembling a reasonable hour and dreamed of rafting down the Charles, which I don't know if anyone actually does. Then I dreamed of rafting down canals which are currently train tracks; awake I recognized one from the commuter rail, one from the Orange Line, both rather attractively framed between Venice-walls of brick. I hope that wasn't prophecy.

This first-century cameo of Minerva looks amazingly over everyone's nonsense.
seperis: (Default)
[personal profile] seperis
Syfywire just pulled the article they put up a few hours ago, "Queerness and Death in the Magicians" and deleted the tweet that announced it. That's super not at all questionable and really normal.

Here is a tweet with screenshots of the article: Queerness and Death in the Magicians. It also looks like a PDF is up at the discord: https://twitter.com/coldwaughtersq/status/1121193198523756544

Note: this will definitely help settle the drama, by the way. That'll work.

ETA (7:30 PM CST): so that thread was deleted and so was my RT of it. Here's another one: https://twitter.com/thelaynierizer/status/1121206952028192768

ETA (7:59 PM CST): Full article now available on tumblr: https://three--rings.tumblr.com/post/184422544953/queerness-and-death-in-the-magicians

challenge 141 'stalwart', Stella Glow

Apr. 25th, 2019 01:34 am
tehexile: (Default)
[personal profile] tehexile in [community profile] 100words
Title: Rocks Fall
Fandom: Stella Glow
Rating: PG-13/Gen
Tags: major spoilers, betrayal, major character death
Notes: Archibald is supposed to be the party's rock to lean on but there's only so much a man can handle.

Read more... )

DCU Bang 2019: Sign-Ups Open!

Apr. 24th, 2019 05:36 pm
luciferxdamien: (Default)
[personal profile] luciferxdamien in [community profile] yuletide


Community: [community profile] dcu_bang
Event Description: The DCU Big Bang is a challenge focused on producing written works of 10k for the Traditional Bang, and 5k for the Mini-Bang, with accompanying fanworks. It’s open to any and all character or pairings that have to do with DC Comics, and we welcome Het/Slash/Femslash/Gen fic, whatever it is you write!

If you are interested in signing up, please read through the
DCU Bang Rules 2019 and
DCU Bang FAQs

Sign-ups are right here!
Full schedule (The below schedule is just the important dates to keep in mind!)

Important Dates:
May 5th, Sunday: 10k Traditional Bang Sign-ups Close (5k Mini Bang & Artist Sign-ups still open)
May 15th, Wednesday: 5k Mini-Bang Sign-ups Close (Artist Sign-ups still open)
June 22rd-June 26th, Saturday-Wednesday: Accepting Rough Drafts (60% due)
June 29th, Saturday 12PM (Mountain Time): Story Claiming Opens
July 20th, Saturday: Final Day to Drop Out for Traditional Teams
October 1st-October 5th, Tuesday-Saturday: DUE DATE (Works may be posted to the Ao3 collection but will remain unrevealed until their official revealing date)
October 5th, Saturday: Story Reveals Begins
October 20th, Sunday: Story Reveals Ends
October 27th, Sunday: Amnesty Posting Begins
November 2nd, Saturday: Amnesty Posting Ends
November 3rd, Sunday: DCU Bang Officially Closed!

Notes/Other Key Info:
DCU Bang Ao3 2019 Collection
DCU Bang Discord Server
DCU Bang on LiveJournal
DCU Bang Tumblr
DCU Bang Twitter (Still being set up, please stay tuned!)

If you have more questions, or require clarifications, you can contact the mods at dcubang@gmail.com, on the Discord server, or by leaving a comment on the Page-A-Mod Post, anonymous comments are turned on!

Submit to the FanWorks zine!

Apr. 24th, 2019 07:27 pm
sweetestdrain: Bucky Barnes on a rooftop with binoculars. (will you put my hands away)
[personal profile] sweetestdrain in [community profile] fanworks
Banner image reading "Submit to the FanWorks con zine!"

We will soon be accepting submissions of previously unposted fanfic, fanart, and more for our inaugural FanWorks con zine! Every attending and digital FanWorks membership comes with access to our digital zine – it’s a great way to get to know the work of new writers and artists and share your own creations! There is no limit on fandom, theme, or style.

The zine’s deadline is June 30th. You do not have to be registered for the con to submit to the zine, although if we run short of space, priority goes to attending and digital members. You can find the complete submission guidelines here: FanWorks Zine.

You can submit anything you want to the zine provided it fits the submission guidelines, but if you’re not sure where to start, you may want to consider this year’s FanWorks Variations theme of “Ignite” -- the zine will have a section devoted solely to all the different interpretations of ignition!

Submissions will officially open on the website soon, once we have everything up and running behind the scenes. We’ll post an announcement when we’re ready for you to upload your fanworks! In the meantime, please let us know if you have any questions by emailing fanworkszine@gmail.com.

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