back to the old house

[helenic]

Since coming back on Monday I've done remarkably little. I've slept a lot; through lectures completely on most mornings. I've made half-hearted attempts to be organised - organising my diary in Outlook, arranging library shifts - but really nothing much has been achieved. The essay that was due in today (due in an hour ago, in fact) hasn't been started and I only have a couple of pages of notes. I simply can't focus, and I'm not entirely sure why.

The Calling on Tuesday was simply wonderful. Possibly the best one I've ever been to. Obviously part of this is how much better I've got to know people since I got back after easter - it means I can spend far more of the evening floating round being conversational, rather than sitting at a table with the same two or three (albeit lovely) people wishing I felt less out of the loop. I had the blissful sort of confidence you only get from really outrageously gorgeous clothes - I repeated my Saturday Whitby outfit of 160-year-old black silk, white lace and white brocade corset - and almost everyone was there as well as lots of new people, and devalmont's DJ set was absolutely fantastic. Neverending Story! Magic Dance! Sweet Transvestite, which was particularly appropriate with fluffymark and emarkienna in the middle of the dancefloor! There was even Britney, and my skirt was fabulously sweeping, and I was full of energy and wellbeing, even if it was a shame that the_lady_lily and feanelwa (who was extraordinarily kind and brought her sewing kit especially to lend me so I could fix a couple of the clasps on the jacket) had to leave early.

So I don't know why I've been so low and un-motivated since. It can't still be Whitby comedown. I've spent quite a lot of time in communication with Chris, whom I am seeing in a week, and I also got back from Whitby to find that two men I'd honestly never expected to hear from again had both got in touch with me, which was a pleasant - if slightly disconcerting - surprise. I'm writing about those particular sagas privately at the moment - it's not fair on them to make it public, and I've been posting too many friends-only entries recently. I started writing private entries over Easter and I'm finding it a huge relief - not because anything I have to say is particularly secret, but just because I was getting tired of this idea that I have an obligation to be brutally honest in here. There is a difference between being false (which I try never to be) and between exposing all corners of one's activity and thought, however personal, half-formed or mundane, into a public forum. So if you encounter restricted entries, I am not excluding anyone in particular; only keeping some thoughts to myself, and sparing the privacy of others.