back to the old house

[helenic]

Since coming back on Monday I've done remarkably little. I've slept a lot; through lectures completely on most mornings. I've made half-hearted attempts to be organised - organising my diary in Outlook, arranging library shifts - but really nothing much has been achieved. The essay that was due in today (due in an hour ago, in fact) hasn't been started and I only have a couple of pages of notes. I simply can't focus, and I'm not entirely sure why.

The Calling on Tuesday was simply wonderful. Possibly the best one I've ever been to. Obviously part of this is how much better I've got to know people since I got back after easter - it means I can spend far more of the evening floating round being conversational, rather than sitting at a table with the same two or three (albeit lovely) people wishing I felt less out of the loop. I had the blissful sort of confidence you only get from really outrageously gorgeous clothes - I repeated my Saturday Whitby outfit of 160-year-old black silk, white lace and white brocade corset - and almost everyone was there as well as lots of new people, and devalmont's DJ set was absolutely fantastic. Neverending Story! Magic Dance! Sweet Transvestite, which was particularly appropriate with fluffymark and emarkienna in the middle of the dancefloor! There was even Britney, and my skirt was fabulously sweeping, and I was full of energy and wellbeing, even if it was a shame that the_lady_lily and feanelwa (who was extraordinarily kind and brought her sewing kit especially to lend me so I could fix a couple of the clasps on the jacket) had to leave early.

So I don't know why I've been so low and un-motivated since. It can't still be Whitby comedown. I've spent quite a lot of time in communication with Chris, whom I am seeing in a week, and I also got back from Whitby to find that two men I'd honestly never expected to hear from again had both got in touch with me, which was a pleasant - if slightly disconcerting - surprise. I'm writing about those particular sagas privately at the moment - it's not fair on them to make it public, and I've been posting too many friends-only entries recently. I started writing private entries over Easter and I'm finding it a huge relief - not because anything I have to say is particularly secret, but just because I was getting tired of this idea that I have an obligation to be brutally honest in here. There is a difference between being false (which I try never to be) and between exposing all corners of one's activity and thought, however personal, half-formed or mundane, into a public forum. So if you encounter restricted entries, I am not excluding anyone in particular; only keeping some thoughts to myself, and sparing the privacy of others.

Comments

[mijra.livejournal.com]

What you're saying about private entires makes complete sense. This is why I keep a paper journal that never gets posted online, though there's often cognitive or topical overlap. This is also why I'm rarely hesitant about handing the journal to someone and letting them read. It's not that it's secret--it's about levels of personal security at the time of writing; it's about (self-)censorship and true-to-self presentation. I also find it a huge relief. Good for you that you're writing.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

yes; before I started writing the private entries I was writing in a little brown suede-bound notebook. I'm very mercurial about this sort of thing at the moment, however. I post things privately and almost immediately get the urge to make them viewable. I think the problem is that I want things to be read, but not necessarily to be responded to - and to remove the comments function seems sulky, almost, like a child covering their ears when they know you're saying something they don't want to hear.

Anyway, if entries appear and disappear without warning, it's because I keep changing my mind.

[mijra.livejournal.com]

Understood--sounds reasonable.

I tend to comment meaning: "I hear you." rather than "I'm reacting to this." If you'd rather not get responses from me on some things, by all means--let me know and I'll let you understand that I'm reading without leaving comments.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I think what I'm scared of being is judged.

[mijra.livejournal.com]

I'll always judge myself long before I judge you. That's just the way I am. Still, a reasonable thing to fear.

I play the private-friends-private-friends... game, too. More frequently than you'd think. Actually, I play the post-delete-damnit-post-delete... game even more often.

[robert-jones.livejournal.com]

When I used to write a paper journal, I often found myself longing to show people what I had written. Partly it is because having carefully constructed the entry, it seems a shame to hide it, and partly that, having explained myself to my own satisfaction, I want to use the same explanation for the benefit of others. In this respect, I am probably more suited to LJ, despite having a sneaking preference for writing in fountain pen.