yearning

[helenic]

It always bothers me at revision time how much I actually enjoy studying, once I get into a rhythm. On Monday, when after four hours I came to the last lines of the Eclogues, I was moved almost to tears;

surgamus: solet esse gravis cantantibus umbra,
iuniperi gravis umbra; nocent et frugibus umbrae
ite domum saturae, venit Hesperus, ite capellae.

so unbearably vespertinal, and the surgamus like one awaking from a dream, and the anaphora of ite ... ite ... Virgil's language is profoundly, achingly beautiful, and here I was racing through it with a dictionary and a commentary highlighting and scribbling all over it. Why did I not set aside a week earlier in the year to bury myself in it, absorb it through my very pores, read everything on it there was to read? I experienced something similar with Horace in the afternoon, particularly when reading the Oliensis book, which was particularly useful as it commented on several of Henderson's ideas, and it is always good to be able to critique one's lecturers. Not only was the cleverness of his politics absolutely fascinating, but the Odes are quite simply gorgeous pieces of poetry - how evocative is

te flagrantis atrox hora Caniculae
nescit tangere

in the ode to the Bandusian fountain, "the black hour of the flaring Dog-Star knows no means to touch you"; and the music of

me dicente cavis impositam ilicem
   saxis, unde loquaces
       lymphae desiliunt tuae.

Not only was I wishing I had three more days until my exam to really get to grips with it, read the commentaries thoroughly rather than skimming them (although I knew that if I'd had more time, I'd never have started) but I was gripped by desolation as I suddenly realised, after the exam tomorrow, I will never need to know this again. I would never again be lectured on Horace, supervised on him; I would never write another essay, never put what I was reading now and the ideas I was having to academic use. I am doing theology and Greek literature next year, so even if I do do post-graduate study it would be difficult to get back into Latin. And in that moment, it seemed incomprehensible to me that I would never read Latin again. Of course I would read it in my spare time; how could I not? The thought was impossible. I think I'd always suspected I would read and study for pleasure (the word study is derived from the Latin for "leisure", of course) but the desire has too often been obscured by the notion of work.

More than ever, I find myself yearning for the solitude and space of this summer - to set myself up in the college library each morning to read Luke and Acts in Greek, and to be able to get distracted by the English section if I so choose, to read Spenser and Beowulf and The Allegory of Love. I've been working next to the medieval literature shelves and it's been driving me crazy, especially since I've also discovered so much excellent Classical scholarship which I simply haven't had the inclination to look at before unless it was on reading lists for essays. As Ali and I have been half-joking to each other all week, it's a case of having all the resources in the world, but not enough time to use them. Yet it would be futile to resolve to spend my days in the library next year and read all my texts by Christmas; the work I've been doing lately has been rarified by pressure and sleep-deprivation, and I could not maintain it were it not absolutely necessary. Deadlines are the most un-motivating things in the world; I think I am by nature a literary grazer. I hope to do far better next year than I have thus far, because my grade will not be dragged down by translation papers and I will solely be doing things I have a passion for, with much more freedom of time, but I am not so naive as to hope to stop spending weekends out of Cambridge and four nights a week off my face and writing essays at 3am the morning they are due in. That is what Cambridge terms are like, and I would not have them otherwise. But I am very much looking forward to experiencing, for the first time, Cambridge out of term, the gold-and-green beauty of the college and the sunlit quietude of the library, without feeling guilty that I am missing lectures and choir and not being in plays and neglecting my friends and not socialising enough and socialising too much and never having time to go to the gym and never really catching up on sleep. I am looking forward to a lengthening of days, the hours loosening into late evenings and long afternoons.

Exam time is a strange, purgative period between term and summer, sleeping in four-hour stints in the middle of the night and afternoon, stumbling around fuelled by caffeine and fear; and then the messy blur of may week, sleeping between the hours of 7am and noon each morning and never quite having time to sober up. My parents sent me a good luck package: it contained chocolate, salt&vinegar crisps, Rolos, a pirated Kate Rusby live concert DVD, kazaa lite on floppy disk, my black poloneck that I left at home (so I resemble my icon even more now - hurrah!), £10, and a trilogy of appallingly bad novels called A Land Fit for Heroes that I was obsessed with when I was twelve. They are set in an alternate universe where the Romans never left Britain and narrates the rebellion of the Celts, involving lots of forests and ancient British paganism and mechanical dragons and air cars and faux-Classical references. They make absolutely perfect no-brain reading. I rang them to say thankyou and discovered that my mother has a new job as a hospital chaplain - it's perfect for her, as she used to be an excellent nurse, and it finally means she can leave the awful parish which is anti-women priests and which she was sent to by mistake. I love my parents dearly, and am looking forward to seeing them when they come up later in the month, but despite that I am more than glad not to be living with them again until Christmas.

Comments

[verte.livejournal.com]

I think that is something I would not enjoy about Oxbridge - I hate the idea of literally ploughing through texts and then tossing them aside forever. I even found the Medieval module a little like that this term, and still we spent at least a week on each text. On the other hand, perhaps skimming over them will make you all the more eager to come back to them independently? I love lit crit to pieces, but I have to say I never want to read Jane Eyre or Dracula again. Flexibility in the second year is such a relief, and I'm so glad I'll get a chance to read and study the Oresteia again in a different context, as I had a similar reaction to the end of Libation Bearers as you did to that Virgil. So incredible, even in translation. Unfortunately we're not using the Fagles next year, so if you want my copy you're welcome.

Rah, I made one too! Only because it's a Japanese site they leave NO options for curly people - except if you have a fringe! I don't think this looks much like me, but never mind. Have made such a cool one for Ross...

Hope rest of revision is going ok. xxxx

[libellum.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do know what you mean, but I think it suits me. It would be far less a case of ploughing/skimming through them, of course, had I actually been to the lectures - I think that was why I got so much pleasure out of the Eclogues and Horace, because both of those are in the Countryside corpus, which I actually went to most of the lectures for - unlike my other three topics, because they all took place in Michaelmas, during which I was fairly AWOL. I can't imagine being put off a text by lit crit - every time I actually attended a lecture or supervision on a text I'd come out of it and the world would have expanded, and I'd get a sudden surge of desire to read as much as I could on it, although naturally, I never did. It seems a little foolish to revisit part I texts during the remainder of my degree, though - it would be far better to get ahead on next year's work. I do intend to continue to read things in Latin and Greek, though - I've never read any of the three main epics all the way though. It wouldn't take much effort to finish the Iliad. It seems ridiculous that I could come out of a decent Classics degree and not have read any of Homer all the way through in the original... I don't have any particular desire to do the same for Aeschylus quite yet, however :) I will definitely hunt out the Fagles translation, though - I'm sure Downing library has it. You should keep your copy.

I like yours - the face shape and hair are approximate, of course, but the combination of eyes and brow really has something. And I want to see the one for Ross!

Latin this morning - meh. Better than Greek yesterday. Might have scraped a 2.2. Will see you tomorrow! I'll text with train times.

xxxxxx

[black-mascara.livejournal.com]

the beauty of this entry has inspired me to get to some summer work of my own. thank you! :).

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I hope by "work" you mean studia? And thankyou! :)

[black-mascara.livejournal.com]

but of course! :).

[kiad.livejournal.com]

This post was magical- your love for language and antiquity shines though- thank you.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it. I have a lot of admiration for you as a journaller - your praise means a lot.

[mijra.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of myself, and so I understand it, and come to miss the library at university more than I thought I could. The texts, the emotional tenderness of relating to poetry in a foreign language--these things are real to me, as much because you wrote it that way as because that's just the way they are for me.

It's hard to imagine oneself contentedly passing time without studying, without these texts. I suspect--you'll manage.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

This is definitely a period of discovery for me - I'm only just beginning to get to the stage where I can begin to appreciate poetry in a foreign language. My skill with Latin and Greek is certainly no match for your Spanish; but the nuances are starting to become apparent, and, I don't know, just putting the hours into reading Virgil taught me something about the way he uses words and metre, something I can't quite put into words.

In the past I have spent time contentedly without studying - last summer, for example. At least, I believed I was content. Perhaps content is the wrong word. Reading in this sort of way - so very different from taking a novel to bed, no matter how "good" or literary the novel is, but I can't quite say how ... probably mostly to do with the language difference - is one of those things that is so hard to force oneself to do at times, harder even than writing, and yet infinitely more pleasurable. I think it's something I may have to continue to remind myself of, but I don't think I'll ever really forget it.

[fluffymark]

Having to read something removes a lot of the fun and delight from it, doesn't it? Reading out of sheer fun with endless leisure time and no deadlines is pure joy. After my 3rd year in Cambridge, I stayed on until mid-august, practically *living* in the UL (I had no room to call home, I just crashed on whoevers bed I could find every night) and I devoured books all day, got very lost in the labyrinth there, and spend many fund weeks exploring and finding some true delights of texts. Spent many hours either at a desk with huge piles of interesting looking books, or sitting on the floor by the shelves with books all around me, scribbling frantically with pen and paper to make sense of anything I didn't understand at first. I learnt a lot, and I mean a lot, and it proved to be very useful, even though at the time it was entirely my own indulgence, driven purely by an insatiable thirst for knowledge. Sadly, I think thats the last time I've had all the leisure time in the world to be able to do that. *sob* Enjoy your summer freedoms, Helen - I'm already extremely envious.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I don't think I could sustain that frenzy for so long, but it will be lovely to have time, to strike a nice balance between reading for work and reading for leisure until the lines ge thoroughly blurred between the two. In fact I think that's my ultimate goal pretty much summed up right there, really :)

[the-lady-lily.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the yearning to read something important, something valuable and worth reading, something precious and yet somehow vestigal to the normal world where one must buy milk in order to have a cup of tea to sip whilst devouring word after beautiful word. It never happens though - the real world always intrudes, always something else happens, a child with a scratched knee, a family committment, a screaming, a tear, a break from beauty and then once that break has happened, it's all too easy to stay in the real world and never walk back into that fictionalised, beautiful crystal bubble where all that matters is the books.

[robert-jones.livejournal.com]

Yes. You're right.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I've made the art of holding the real world (by which I mean, the immediate, momentary world, not any implication that what we find in medieval and classical literature is not "real") at bay for as long as possible my study for the past fifteen years at least. I also find it quite easy to slip in and out - to get up, make tea or food, have a chat, or a shower, or run an errand, and then return to it exactly where I left off. I can dip in and out of a book all day. It's not a matter of deep concentration; the thoughts and mood of it hover just under the surface whenever I attend to anything else. It's not so much a bubble as a pool, which you hold your breath and dive into for as long as you can; and even when you come up for air, your hair is still streaming with the waters of it. For me, the boundaries aren't so black and white as you imply. I came halfway close to expressing it in this (http://www.livejournal.com/users/libellum/41584.html) entry about reading The Secret History, but only halfway.

[bassista.livejournal.com]

bear with me.
it's 2 and i'm slightly drunk.

but. yeah. i agree with wanting the solitude of summer. there's so much i feel i've been lacking that i've remembered because i've not been inundated with work. like my roommate. beowulf is one of my favorites. maybe i just like the way it sounds when read in old english.

lately i've been reminded how much i love german. i've been reading german newspapers. i've been aching for new literature. but i don't want to read brecht or mann. goethe maybe?

rainer maria rilke. that's the next big thing on my list. i wonder if i can get a new orleans public library card and go find some. cause... i really want to read him.

not to mention, one of my favorite bands (rainer maria) is named after him. how... emo. sigh.

yes. drunk.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I've never actually read Beowulf, which is shocking! I've listened several times to Seamus Heaney reading his translation, however :) I wish I could read Old Norse...

best of luck with the Goethe. I'm jealous. bah to you multi-talented people!

drunk is good. also blode, yeah?

[baranoouji.livejournal.com]

Aaah.

Thank you for that dreamy post, frustrations and all. It reminds me that there are worlds and doors beyond the ones I see. Hopefully the keys can be found someday.

Plus, you used the word "vespertinal." I must kidnap you now.

- Cordially,
E.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

You're welcome! Best of luck in your explorations - I would love to hear about them, when you find time to devote to it.

As far as I'm concerned it's impossible to talk about the Eclogues WITHOUT using the word "vespertinal". Although I confess it always has associations for me of a children's fantasy book by Robin Jarvis called "The Oaken Throne", the protagonist of which was a bat called Vespertilio ... which I think basically means "batman" :)

[robert-jones.livejournal.com]

It always bothers me at revision time how much I actually enjoy studying, once I get into a rhythm.

Me too. You make me remember the time just before or just after tripos, when I felt so enthusiastic about maths, about all the wonderful things I had learnt, and I repented all the time I had wasted during the year. I used to look forward to the long vac, and being able to do lots of maths without the distraction of supervisions or exams. I did do some, but it was never as I had envisaged. The problem is that the joy of study is blocked by the potential barrier of effort, and without some external motivation (such as tripos), I am unable to overcome the barrier. I am also very bad at working moderately. I'm either flat out (and obviously I cannot maintain that once the exams are over), or I stop altogether.

Your entry also makes me wish I spent more time on classics. As you know, I studied both Greek and Latin briefly, with considerable success, but I was shocked this Lent, when I thought I might try reading the NT lections in Greek, and found that I could barely make out the sense. It is a pity. I'm sure it would soon come back to me, but again there is this potential barrier to be overcome, the sitting down and learning of principle parts and so on.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean in your last paragraph - it's something I've experienced on a number of occasions. In many ways, the plans I make don't mean anything about the future, but are wholly representations of the present, and usually I don't let myself get too bothered if they never come about because otherwise, I'd not only be perpetually disappointed, I'd be acting on desires which I've since moved on from. However, I don't think that would be an appropriate thing to do this summer - my desire to study at the moment isn't a fickle, momentary thing - it's something much deeper which I should listen to far more. I really hope that this summer, I can actually act on this enthusiasm, make it last beyond May week. I think Chris should help with this, actually - not only is he good at encouraging me to work, he makes me want to work - his own wistfulness at not being in fulltime education any more, and his own genuine and heartfelt desire for knowledge and love of history and mythology and literature, is catchy.

I am also frustrated by the tediums (tedia?) that must be struggled past in language. I wish I took to language more naturally, and I wish you could learn grammar once and after that, know it - but I find myself continually forgetting endings and principle parts and I hate it, it makes me very angry. I suppose this is one of those things which "clicks" at some point; and the only way to facilitate that is practice. Still, it is very disheartening at times.

[tals.livejournal.com]

Deadlines are the most un-motivating things in the world; I think I am by nature a literary grazer.

Hehe! I started uni with the best intentions, submitting essays weeks early and reading everything. By my last year I was banging them out hours before they were due having just spent all night in some fetish club or other and then driving 100 miles home (tended to go clubbing in London). I even got to enjoying it... nothing like doing a Middle English to modern Beowulf translation at 5am still kitted up in pvc *g* There's an art to it!

I've forgotten most of my latin :-/ Too busy learning Japanese now to go back to it.