Good Things

[helenic]

I am wearing the new jeans (yeah, I know I'm meant to be poor, but they were £12 in new look, so you can't say I'm not cheap) and thick-knit cardigan I bought this afternoon, and I'm happy. The jeans are a size 10, which is gratifying; I am going to the gym at 9am every Monday, Wednesday and Friday before lectures and although I doubt there is much physical evidence yet, I have much higher energy levels and feel generally good about myself. I'm almost ridiculously busy and it's wonderful. I'm also, somehow, managing to spend a lot of time with such fantastic, fascinating people as the_alchemist, yvesilena and the_lady_lily, which has been unspeakably lovely. In the last week I've had some of the most pleasant evenings and best conversations I've ever had at university, and certainly since I've been single. Maybe I can't keep up this pace forever but I'm more optimistic about this term than I've been about any academic endeavour. Last term was crisis, a cutting-off point, a time of change. Now I am starting afresh, successfully, and everything's different - far more than if last term had been another of frustrated drifting and this was arbitrary resolve.

I've come to the realisation that I am, contrary to my assumptions, very much an extrovert. Because I was always socially awkward and enjoyed solitary pursuits such as writing and drawing, I always assumed I was highly introverted, that I was happier on my own. Either I've changed, or this was not so much a matter of inclination as necessity - recently I've found that with the right people, company and conversation is better for me than almost anything else. As Catriona would define it, I enjoy being on my own, and get great pleasure from spending my energy on activities such as writing, webdesign, and painting which are necessarily done in solitude, but it is through stimulating social contact with people I admire and care about that I get my energy, re-charge and am able to feel good about myself and life again. My mistake last term was in secluding myself; when left to my own devices I have a tendency to drift, disconsolately, in a mess of lethargy, acheiving very little and feeling steadily worse about myself. My tactic thus far this term has been to organise my life to the minute, fill my diary with appointments and places to be, divide my day into small blocks of time and try to spend "quality" time with someone at least once a day. If my day has no structure I don't know how to start studying, but if I have to fit language work inbetween two lectures, a gym session, a Chapel Warden's meeting and a supervision I'm much more likely to do it. I am breathless and busy and crossing off items in my diary almost as fast as I write them, and I've never been happier or more fulfilled. This is what university life should be like.