Good Things

[helenic]

I am wearing the new jeans (yeah, I know I'm meant to be poor, but they were £12 in new look, so you can't say I'm not cheap) and thick-knit cardigan I bought this afternoon, and I'm happy. The jeans are a size 10, which is gratifying; I am going to the gym at 9am every Monday, Wednesday and Friday before lectures and although I doubt there is much physical evidence yet, I have much higher energy levels and feel generally good about myself. I'm almost ridiculously busy and it's wonderful. I'm also, somehow, managing to spend a lot of time with such fantastic, fascinating people as the_alchemist, yvesilena and the_lady_lily, which has been unspeakably lovely. In the last week I've had some of the most pleasant evenings and best conversations I've ever had at university, and certainly since I've been single. Maybe I can't keep up this pace forever but I'm more optimistic about this term than I've been about any academic endeavour. Last term was crisis, a cutting-off point, a time of change. Now I am starting afresh, successfully, and everything's different - far more than if last term had been another of frustrated drifting and this was arbitrary resolve.

I've come to the realisation that I am, contrary to my assumptions, very much an extrovert. Because I was always socially awkward and enjoyed solitary pursuits such as writing and drawing, I always assumed I was highly introverted, that I was happier on my own. Either I've changed, or this was not so much a matter of inclination as necessity - recently I've found that with the right people, company and conversation is better for me than almost anything else. As Catriona would define it, I enjoy being on my own, and get great pleasure from spending my energy on activities such as writing, webdesign, and painting which are necessarily done in solitude, but it is through stimulating social contact with people I admire and care about that I get my energy, re-charge and am able to feel good about myself and life again. My mistake last term was in secluding myself; when left to my own devices I have a tendency to drift, disconsolately, in a mess of lethargy, acheiving very little and feeling steadily worse about myself. My tactic thus far this term has been to organise my life to the minute, fill my diary with appointments and places to be, divide my day into small blocks of time and try to spend "quality" time with someone at least once a day. If my day has no structure I don't know how to start studying, but if I have to fit language work inbetween two lectures, a gym session, a Chapel Warden's meeting and a supervision I'm much more likely to do it. I am breathless and busy and crossing off items in my diary almost as fast as I write them, and I've never been happier or more fulfilled. This is what university life should be like.

Comments

[karajanks.livejournal.com]

It's good to hear that you're so happy; your recent posts positively glow. They're always a pleasure to read.
Good luck with the new term. :)

[libellum.livejournal.com]

thankyou! I'm glad things are going well your end too. Does all this golden prose leave you any time for letter-writing ... ? :) xx

[karajanks.livejournal.com]

Hopefully. :)

[sparklejess.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about making plans leading you to be more productive. Making plans to have lunch leads me to plan what I can do before lunch, then what can I fit in between that and what happens next.

I'm glad you're feeling fulfilled, and I think it's good way of doing it.

lots of love,
Jess

... Shall I see you bending mice this saturday perhaps?

[libellum.livejournal.com]

absolutely. It's like, once I start doing useful things I find it easier to do more useful things. Starting's the hardest part. If I don't do anything in the morning I'm less likely to do anything in the afternoon ... and so on. Let's see how long this lasts - I'm not expecting miracles!

unfortunately I'm poor, have a history essay to write, and am having drinks with robert_jones and the_alchemist. However since gabrielle's party is now cancelled I'm more likely to come up so I can see Alex - the next one, perhaps? xx

[sparklejess.livejournal.com]

the next one, that would be lovely. Good luck with the essay, I've found that when sheduling time, a sheduled couple of hours in a library actually means about 2/3 of that time is spent really working.

It's all very pleasing.

xxx

[solitarywalker.livejournal.com]

The introvert/extrovert thing is quite interesting... i really do love interacting with people, one on one (i really do hate groups), it's just that i all but never get an opportunity to do so, and when the opportunity does arise it quickly becomes obvious that i'm terribly bad at it...

[libellum.livejournal.com]

This is going to sound patronising, but I don't mean it that way.

I've found that being good at it is actually a matter of practice. The tactic which I found really useful when going into a social situation with people I didn't know too well, in which I would be required to converse, was this: Firstly, to drink, but not too much. Secondly, to play at being cool and interesting. I literally mean that. Even if you think it's completely bollocks, just for the sake of it, pretend you're popular and exciting and people are interesting in what you have to say (of course, you might well be already; I'm assuming you don't THINK you are). I found when I tried this, with a shrug, that halfway through the conversation I realised I was enjoying myself; and moreover that the people I was talking to were enjoying themselves. The thing is that everyone's insecure, to an extent. Everyone think's they're talking shit. But if you're comfortable, you make the person you're talking to comfortable, and then the conversation has a much better chance of flowing. It's a case of "pretend it's true until it actually is".

I know exactly what you mean about groups though. All the "quality time" I've mentioned above has definitely been one-on-one.

[solitarywalker.livejournal.com]

Other than that i don't drink (though i agree, insofar as it might help me relax it may be exactly what i in some sense need...), what you describe is pretty much what i've done, at least on occasion. The few times i've had the opportunity, anyway, and it's worked just as you describe, even in groups, really.

Not patronizing at all, & i appreciate your comment. :)

[the-lady-lily.livejournal.com]

Glad that somehow I'm managing to be unspeakably lovely (I am also very bad at taking compliments). We must try to make that a reality rather than a memory more often. I'm certain you can keep the pace of optimism up - it is, unfortunately, a self-fufilling prophecy! xxx

[libellum.livejournal.com]

glad to hear it!

It's a pity you didn't make it, but in the end there were four of us (rather than three, which is what I was scared of). There's another one near Porter's Piece on Saturday! (a week on, I mean). I shall let you know ....

I'm seeing you next friday, and I'll bump into you at the faculty lots. Not sure I'll have many evenings free next week, unfortunately.

Iain and I were going to see Peter Pan on Sunday! As we've already seen PotC MANY MANY times we might give it a miss (is it the John's showing?) when is it anyway? I have choir practice/evensong/formal/clubbing from 4.30pm onwards ....

[the-lady-lily.livejournal.com]

*gasp* I haven't seen Peter Pan yet... *makes note in case there is not space for three*

POTC was indeed the St Johns one. Have not decided quite what I'm doing with my Sunday night yet.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

bring a friend, we could make a foursome of it! I'd like Iain to meet you anyway :) well, if I text you tomorrow saying that's not okay (or if he reads this and comments to the effect) then I take it back, but I imagine he wouldn't object to company!

The Downing Chapel Choir will be at Cocos completely off our faces, if you feel like downing (ha) a bottle of wine and joining us there. Free entry and £1 drinks all night! woo!

[the-lady-lily.livejournal.com]

Having received no text to the contrary, I take it there's space for a little one at Peter Pan ;)

In which case, may I ask for times/places etc? Otherwise I shall wander around town in vain with a parrot on my shoulder. I gather there's CoCos first, but am still confused. Typically. And I hope that all makes sense!

[libellum.livejournal.com]

ah - no. Iain and I were intending to go to the cinema in the early afternoon, as I've got choir from 4.30 - 7pm, then formal hall, then extreme pissedness and probable clubbing. However, it's looking unlikely we'll be able to afford the time off work, as basically if I go to the cinema in the afternoon I've written off the whole day. So it probably won't happen. You're still very welcome at Downing college bar and/or CoCos in the evening (probably bar at 9ish and Cocos when the bar closes) but we will be being pissed and rar-ish, so only if you're in a similar state :)

[the-lady-lily.livejournal.com]

Having punished my liver excessively for the past two nights, I think I'll give it a miss this time round, or the poor thing will have no chance to recuperate before Tuesday...

[libellum.livejournal.com]

(I meant Parker's Piece, of course, but I was drunk. I'll try and find out details for you.)