Matilda

[helenic]

It's criminally cold in here. Sitting with a thick jumper pulled up over my chin and my feet tucked underneath me, cuffs as far up over my hands as possible while still being able to type; Velvet Underground to remind me how to feel. The lethargy of the last few days has accelerated with my hormones to produce a tearful, furious sort of helplessness. Over the past couple of days I've begun to put together an art archive for the domain, and I've started to realise how just how much of what I've done is lost. Notebooks, sketchbooks, floppy disks of documents I never backed up. Why is it that when I was fourteen I was drawing things like this out of my head and playing Rachmaninov preludes and now I can barely string a sentence together? I've matured in countless ways but creatively, I have a horrible suspicion I peaked years ago. The Matilda effect: limitless inspiration when school was hateful and dull, and now I'm challenged academically any artistic talent has run dry. The thought is far from pleasant. It's so cold my fingers are blue and I'm a pre-menstrual mess of rage.

Richard has backed out of Student Cross due to illness. It's not his fault, poor love, it sounds like gastric flu or something, but now I have to face Catherine alone and Antony won't be getting there until Tuesday. I can't afford to drink as much as anyone else (£850 overdrawn and I haven't even paid for Reading yet), I don't have time to pack for term and I'm going to have to leave for Cambridge as soon as I get back even though I'll be exhausted. I'd love an extra week at home but not going isn't an option, not at this late notice. The thing is it should be wonderful and perhaps it still might be, but right now I really don't need a spiritual retreat, I need time to sort my life out in practical ways. I'm stuck in the usual vicious cycle; so much to do I feel unable to do anything, and the less I do, the worse I feel. However, the good thing is I did manage to get to the opticians, so now armed with a prescription and an NHS voucher I can get glasses like Liz Hurley's in Austin Powers. It may be superficial, but it works for me.

Comments

[filmcase.livejournal.com]

hello; i wish you luck on the glasses-search, and on regaining your creativity, which i am sure is really not lost. x