forays into society

[helenic]

We talked about it on Saturday night: how much arrogance is a product of insecurity, how often extroversion is a defence mechanism, thrown up to hide how afraid you are of people. I'd never been so aware of it in myself until this weekend. Even the conversations were self-referential, trying to analyse our own behaviour. We were being as objective as we could but how self-indulgent is that sort of discussion? The question of perception is something I'm finding impossible to work out these days.

On Friday I met Ellie, and the three of us drank cocktails and extortionately overpriced dry white wine (none of your foul chardonnay!), trying surreptitiously to work each other out. I loved her almost immediately, from her dress sense to her sense of humour, and I didn't feel awkward for long. We even mentioned it; that we both find ourselves being loud and slightly sharp when meeting new people, especially ones we've been told we'll like. (For my part it's a strange mixture of self-disgust and wanting to be liked despite it, and I despise both.) Still, it becomes a lot easier when you're made to feel absolutely welcome by people who are genuinely lovely, and after the first uncomfortable, self conscious minutes I had one of the best weekends in months. Inbetween average Shakespeare, spectacular live improv jazz and a dizzying amount of alcohol (21 units in three nights; I'm turning into such a lush) I can't remember when I last talked so easily with people I barely knew. I couldn't stay nervous of any of them for long. I was in a buoyant, energetic mood almost continually, the weather was as bright and warm as June (damn global warming) and Stratford is so beautiful it's impossible not to love it. We lunched on salad and drank nothing but cheap white wine, spent altogether far too much money on clothes (although it was balanced by the car boot sale on Saturday morning, at which Alex found red shoes for 50p, I bought a typewriter for £3 and Ellie, damn her, managed to get a pink satin ballgown for 30p, which was not only her exact size but suited her perfectly) and were generally Classy Ladies.

By the time I got home yesterday lunchtime I was both rejuvenated and exhausted. It was wonderful to see Alex again, especially since I'd never really met her friends before and I can now content myself they deserve her. Besides which I needed a real holiday; the last couple of days at home haven't been refreshing, just slow and a little lethargic. As usual she seemed to make me reconsider myself without even meaning to, which is always a good thing, I think, however tiring it is. University is invariably a difficult time for old friendships but I think we've worked it out now, and are just as close as before, if in a different way.

Tomorrow I'm going to Devon to see Iain (seven hours on the coach because I'm too poor for the train) and I've not even finished unpacking from Cambridge. It'll be worth it though; I suppose if I wasn't continually on the move I'd be bored, and even with the best weekends on earth two weeks without him is really far too long.

(Edit: a few deletions. It's not a personal attack and it doesn't mean I dislike you, just that I don't happen to be very interested in what you write about. You're probably all sweethearts, but that's not what I want my friendslist to be for. I certainly don't mean to offend.)

Comments

[paperruse.livejournal.com]

i understand the need for deletions once in a while. you don't mind if I still keep you on do you? you are still interesting to me even when im not privy to friend-only stuff :)

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I don't really have friends only entries. If you keep me, I'll probably have a look from time to time anyway. I tend to be quite fickle with my friendslist; it changes according to mood. perhaps if I got to know you better, it might mean more?

Re:

[paperruse.livejournal.com]

I udnerstand. I'll try to not be shy and maybe comment once in a while:)

[mettle.livejournal.com]

regarding friends lists: obviously i am glad you have kept me, but at the same time i don't think i would be offended if you hadn't for the simple reason, what difference does it make? if i want to read you i should not be presumptuous and assume you'll necessarily want to read me. i hate the pettiness of people who consider friends-lists to be some sort of indication of what people think of them personally and are angered when someone deletes them, and i dislike the way in which people upset themselves over amending their list.

at the same time, i very rarely delete people from my list. i simply skim-read instead.

anyway, more importantly, i'm incredibly jealous of you owning a typewriter. my brother broke my gorgeous blue and cream one a few years ago and i've never been able to afford a new one. i shake my fist at you, you lucky lady you.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

Exactly. The very name is asking for trouble. It's not a list of one's friends; it's simply a shortcut to those journals you want to read. With people I don't know in the flesh I wouldn't dream of presuming how much their journal mirrors their personality; it's perfectly possible to like one and not the other, and as I try and be honest in my entries, so I try and be honest about those journals I want to read. As I see it, friends lists aren't important enough to keep people you skim-read on for the sake of it.

Still, it doesn't stop me feeling guilty about it ... hence the disclaimer.

I'm so pleased with my typewriter! It's my new toy - I'm going into town to buy manycoloured ribbons for it right this minute. I shall write letters on it and doodle round the edges of them in biro. Would you like one? I've wanted to write to you for a while (probably out of a selfish desire to get to know you better), although I can't promise anything terribly exciting.

[mettle.livejournal.com]

i would love a letter from you. the contents of letters rarely matters, it's the excitement of receiving post and knowing that someone has been thinking of you - for selfish reasons or otherwise! i shall post my address in a special 'libellum' filtered entry right now, because i'd like to get to know you better also.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

got it! xx

[secretxstar.livejournal.com]

Well I'm intensely surprised I'm still on your friends list. I don't even find what I write interesting. I'm just not eloquent enough to write about anything.. more important than what I've done with my day and how bored I am.

On a similar note, yours is one of my favourite journals. You're so interesting! (and no that's not a 'don't delete me' thing).

how much arrogance is a product of insecurity, how often extroversion is a defence mechanism, thrown up to hide how afraid you are of people.

I agree completely. My friend Kevin calls me arrogant and I can't believe it because I am so shy and so unhappy with myself. It's bizarre the way these things work. I wish I could be happy and confident and extroverted without having to pretend. That would be nice. I wonder how people do that?

Babbling now..

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's a matter of pretense; more a subconscious reflex. I'm neither shy nor unhappy with myself, but I'm always aware when I'm at my sharpest that it's a symptom of something internal. It's difficult because a lot of people see arrogance when really there's nothing more than self-respect coupled with a lack of tact - or even just the latter. But what I used to think was entirely self-confidence is, I'm beginning to realise, at least in part due to fluctuating levels of insecurity.

And thankyou, you sweet thing! As far as your journal goes - it may not be as exciting as you'd like, but I feel like I know you through it. And that's fascinating in itself.

[secretxstar.livejournal.com]

Okay I understand the subconscious reflex thing, I think I have the tendency to do the opposite, become little and girly, to be honest. It's awful.
I think a lot of the time when people are arrogant, I tend to put it down to a mixture of lack of tact and insecurity. Maybe not self respect but also knowing where your strengths and weaknesses lie I think may play a part in it. I'm thinking of specific examples here, so I'm probably way off for the majority of people.

Thankyou for being nice. I shall now be very girly and shy.

[quikslvr.livejournal.com]

Count me also surprised I made the cut.

In reference to arrogance is a product of insecurity, it's funny, I just made an entry about what might be the beginnings of this a bit ago:
"It just occurred to me how self-centered and egotistical it is to think that everything is my fault." (http://www.livejournal.com/users/quikslvr/88182.html)

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I've thought that before - but it's not egotistical, because it's usually entirely intentional. Selfishness has to be at least partly deliberate, I think. It is quite self-absorbed, but then so is everyone, to an extent - especially people who want to improve themselves.

[quikslvr.livejournal.com]

especially people who want to improve themselves.

I hadn't thought of that. Excellent point. Could the extrapolation be made, then, that those who don't care enough to improve themselves or have already improved themselves as much as they want to are almost never self-absorbed?

[libellum.livejournal.com]

(as you probably guessed, intentional in the previous comment was meant to read unintentional)

Yes, I think so. It would be a vast generalisation, but I think self-absorption either goes hand in hand with self-awareness, or is unnecessary once you attain your own ideal of perfection. Not that I've ever seen the latter take place, and I think it's impossible for many people, but I have a couple of friends who are easily content, appreciate the small things in life, and while, if they took the time to think about it, they could probably analyse themselves very perceptively, they don't see it as important. They're usually very happy - but I would always want more than that.

I think it's just about acheiving a balance, really. Self-awareness without dwelling on it overmuch. Harder than it sounds.

[quikslvr.livejournal.com]

Rather. I rather wish I knew the secret--either to being content with less, or being able to deal with more adequately.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_vicious/]

Thank you for keeping me darling.

&did you get my package?

[libellum.livejournal.com]

yes! I won't be able to open it until tomorrow though - the boy picked it up for me from Cambridge and I'm seeing him tomorrow. thankyou so much for sending it though! (do you want a reply letter, or shall we leave it at that?) xxx

[fingertiptouch.livejournal.com]

Seven hours! You poor girl. I have not yet braved the coach system (mostly because i'm too lazy to find out about it), but i'm running dangerously low on money and suspect i will have to soon. Until then i shall just have to spend my train journeys hiding in the toilet or innocently pretending that the conductor already looked at my ticket.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

Surprise to say, I've never done that. I even shoplifted when I was younger, but I've never dodged train fare. It'd save me so much money it doesn't bear thinking about. Between Alex in Stratford and Iain in Devon, and visiting Leicester when I'm in Cambridge, I spend more money on train fares than anything else. I'd be too scared to, I think.

Not that I'm tempted. Course not.

I'll spend the journey reading Titus Groan and writing letters to all the people I never replied to last term because I'm terrible. Which includes you, you lucky thing. xxx

[afterglow.livejournal.com]

helen -
i changed my lj into a community and then changed it back so it removed me from your list. would you mind adding me again? if not, I understand.

[blondilocks.livejournal.com]

i feel the need to be added here. too beautiful. xo.