forays into society

[helenic]

We talked about it on Saturday night: how much arrogance is a product of insecurity, how often extroversion is a defence mechanism, thrown up to hide how afraid you are of people. I'd never been so aware of it in myself until this weekend. Even the conversations were self-referential, trying to analyse our own behaviour. We were being as objective as we could but how self-indulgent is that sort of discussion? The question of perception is something I'm finding impossible to work out these days.

On Friday I met Ellie, and the three of us drank cocktails and extortionately overpriced dry white wine (none of your foul chardonnay!), trying surreptitiously to work each other out. I loved her almost immediately, from her dress sense to her sense of humour, and I didn't feel awkward for long. We even mentioned it; that we both find ourselves being loud and slightly sharp when meeting new people, especially ones we've been told we'll like. (For my part it's a strange mixture of self-disgust and wanting to be liked despite it, and I despise both.) Still, it becomes a lot easier when you're made to feel absolutely welcome by people who are genuinely lovely, and after the first uncomfortable, self conscious minutes I had one of the best weekends in months. Inbetween average Shakespeare, spectacular live improv jazz and a dizzying amount of alcohol (21 units in three nights; I'm turning into such a lush) I can't remember when I last talked so easily with people I barely knew. I couldn't stay nervous of any of them for long. I was in a buoyant, energetic mood almost continually, the weather was as bright and warm as June (damn global warming) and Stratford is so beautiful it's impossible not to love it. We lunched on salad and drank nothing but cheap white wine, spent altogether far too much money on clothes (although it was balanced by the car boot sale on Saturday morning, at which Alex found red shoes for 50p, I bought a typewriter for £3 and Ellie, damn her, managed to get a pink satin ballgown for 30p, which was not only her exact size but suited her perfectly) and were generally Classy Ladies.

By the time I got home yesterday lunchtime I was both rejuvenated and exhausted. It was wonderful to see Alex again, especially since I'd never really met her friends before and I can now content myself they deserve her. Besides which I needed a real holiday; the last couple of days at home haven't been refreshing, just slow and a little lethargic. As usual she seemed to make me reconsider myself without even meaning to, which is always a good thing, I think, however tiring it is. University is invariably a difficult time for old friendships but I think we've worked it out now, and are just as close as before, if in a different way.

Tomorrow I'm going to Devon to see Iain (seven hours on the coach because I'm too poor for the train) and I've not even finished unpacking from Cambridge. It'll be worth it though; I suppose if I wasn't continually on the move I'd be bored, and even with the best weekends on earth two weeks without him is really far too long.

(Edit: a few deletions. It's not a personal attack and it doesn't mean I dislike you, just that I don't happen to be very interested in what you write about. You're probably all sweethearts, but that's not what I want my friendslist to be for. I certainly don't mean to offend.)

Comments

[libellum.livejournal.com]

I don't really have friends only entries. If you keep me, I'll probably have a look from time to time anyway. I tend to be quite fickle with my friendslist; it changes according to mood. perhaps if I got to know you better, it might mean more?

Re:

[paperruse.livejournal.com]

I udnerstand. I'll try to not be shy and maybe comment once in a while:)